Quit Taking it Personally- QTIP

I was working with a group of 7th grade boys the other day and, let me tell you, keeping a bunch of 13 year old boys engaged and interacting with one another is no easy task.  There is blurting out, there is talking over me, and there is testing of my boundaries. It can be tough. I definitely felt difficult emotions arise but I reminded myself to QTIP. You might be thinking, "What do Q-TIPs have to do with anything?" It means...

Quit Taking it Personally.

In the past, I’ve looked at behaviors like that as disrespectful, wrong, defiant, and RUDE!!!! I took it personally with thoughts like, “How dare these boys speak to me like this?! They don’t respect me or my authority!” However, when I take ‘me’, my ego, out of the equation, I see those same boys as inquisitive, energetic, curious, and interested. 

• They’re inquisitive which is why they are blurting out questions. 

• They are curious to see where my boundaries start and stop. 

• They're very interested and energetic which lead to side conversations.

When I realize that it’s not about ME, I can see what their actions truly mean. Their real intentions.

When we take things personally we are putting our spin on someone else’s action that may or may not be there. Quite honestly, that’s giving the other person A LOT of power and credit over your own feelings. This can create defensiveness, and guess what can’t occur when you are being defensive? Listening and Curiosity. With that 7th grade group, sure there were some undesirable behaviors, but they weren’t targeted towards me. When you free yourself of taking it personally, you can see how people are talking about themselves, their wants, and their needs. So, how do we not take things personally? That seems really hard...

How do I NOT take things personally?

1. It’s not about me: This other person… this child… even this pet… they are just trying to manage their life and their stressors. Whatever their actions are says more about them than their words will ever say about you. Once we get past our ego thinking it’s about ‘me, me, me’, it’s VERY freeing to realize people are worrying about themselves, they’re not worrying about you.

2. Shift from ME to WE: This is moving from the thought process of ‘Why are they doing this TO me?’ and thinking instead ‘Why are they doing this?’ With that subtle shift you’re now working from a space of understanding instead of irritation. When we focus on the other person’s good intention, we’re less likely to take it personally.

3. Maybe it is me: If you can’t shake whatever interaction just happened, take a look within. It could be something that you do believe a little bit about yourself. If someone’s actions strike a hard nerve with you, it could be some unresolved issues within yourself. This is a wonderful thing to journal or talk about with your therapist. Reactions and responses can be unlearned when aware and acknowledged.

4. Wear a reminder: Give meaning to the things you already wear everyday. A watch, a piece of jewelry, the hair tie on your wrist: when something occurs and you feel that ego getting bruised, remember to QTIP.

QTIP allows you to see past a behavior or action and really see what that person has to to share with you.

Homework:

Find something you wear everyday or create a signal with yourself or even grab a Q-TIP and keep it on your person; whatever you decide, have a reminder to QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY. If you find yourself feeling difficult emotions after an interaction with someone, calmly tell yourself... "It's not about me."

The A WORD

When the word “anger” comes to mind, plenty of us immediately label the emotion word with a negative connotation. Why is this? 

Is it because of the media and how they portray what anger can look like? 

Is it scary to us due to our own trauma? 

Is it a feeling that some of us constantly experience but have been taught to repress? 

Maybe all of the above? There are many reasons that can lead us to believe that anger is innately “bad” and that we should experience guilt and/or shame when feeling it. Nobody wants to live in constant anger due to how mentally and physically draining it can be, even for those of us who prefer anger over sadness.

When we are experiencing anger, we are in a state of fight or flight. This can be confusing to us. This is the reason why we tend to think in an absolute manner when experiencing an episode of anger. When in fight or flight, our only goal is to survive. These episodes lead us to lose IQ points, which is the reason why so many of us seem to forget about the consequences to our actions when upset. This means we say that rude comment to our partner that we wouldn’t have otherwise mentioned, or flip off the person who just brake-checked us, and engage in other acts that we could possibly end up regretting at a later time.   Anger gets a bad reputation due to a vast amount of reasons and not a lot of us discuss anger in terms of payoffs and costs. 

How does anger serve us in the moment? How does anger get in our own way? What we do know is that when we feel anger, it is for a reason. Sometimes, figuring out what that reason is requires further exploration on our part. 

There is such a thing as anger payoffs or innate (sometimes unconscious) reasons that we display anger in place of any other emotion.  

Anger has the power to reduce stress temporarily. 1. We feel a sense of relief after an anger outburst. The expression of anger can be quite reinforcing; you are temporarily getting a sense of relief or a break from the discomfort you were feeling prior to that expression of anger. 2. Anger also hides emotional pain and can become a shadow for another primary emotion. It can put a lid on painful emotion and can sometimes even continue to repress most of those feelings out of our own awareness. 3. Anger grabs other’s attention. For some experiencing anger, it may feel that nobody listens unless we are yelling or are in the midst of an outburst. 4. It can be a powerful tool that is used for revenge or punishment when we have been hurt. This feeling of righteousness can be very attractive. It can sometimes become our only goal leading us to forget about the consequences that revenge or an act made from anger can have when it comes to our relationships.

Anger’s influence gets in the way of our lives and can have some serious detriments. Anger can affect our relationships with the important and even not-so-important people in our lives. It has the influence to affect relationships with family members, our kids, our partners, work relationships, our friendships, and even complete strangers. When acting in anger consistently, our mental and physical health will be affected. Whether this is through hypertension, cardiovascular disease, acting in a violent way, or putting ourselves in danger due to anger (such as incidents of road rage). Anger has the capacity to be dangerous and to have life-long consequences if not being expressed in a balanced manner. It is critical to find healthy alternatives to express our anger. 

Good news!!! There are plenty of outlets to do so!   Therapy can be a great outlet to get to know our anger, physical activity can trick our mind and body to use that aggressive energy in more socially expected ways, and engaging in relaxation and distraction techniques have proven to build healthier habits that improve your overall well-being (not just in a moment of anger). 

It is crucial to remember that anger is a natural emotion to experience. Some people deal with it more often than others, some have paid more attention to it, and some of us are still currently struggling with what to do when it shows up. 

Wherever you are with your anger, you deserve to get to know it. If you are searching for extra support with a team who views anger as normal and has the experience to provide you with new mental tools, feel free to reach out to us.   We are here for it!

-Love, Kat

Stop......Worry Time!

Want to decrease the amount of time you’ve been worrying? Schedule “worry time” by “parking it on post it”. The unfortunate truth is that we will probably never be able to completely stop worrying. However, we can learn to worry more effectively. This is where scheduled worry time comes in.

It may sound counterintuitive, but employing this CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) tool can help you develop control over the frequency and timing of your worry.

How do you do this?

1. Worry Awareness – recognizing when we experience worry thoughts through becoming aware of what’s happening in the present moment, in this case, it’s noticing the worrying thoughts. This process takes practice, so don’t give up too quickly or easily. Awareness is the first step, then we try to except that we are in fact worrying. Do not judge yourself! Judging is for the birds. 🦜

2. Set up worry time. It literally is a time of day in which you have dedicated to worry. I suggest not super close to bedtime, but a time that enough of the day has devolved. By compartmentalizing worry – setting aside a specific half hour. Each day to think about worries and consider solutions then people can ultimately help reduce those worries.

3. Between the scheduled worry times is when “Park it on a Post-it” is implemented. This will feel hard at first and you may have to reinforce some self talk (like telling yourself to just let go of this thinking until you’re worried time. Or that you’ll definitely get to it later). This whole step ensures that a part of you that’s worrying gets attention and is seen, yet also it isn’t consuming what you really want to be doing which is *not* worrying. Our goal is to become more comfortable with the discomfort of the unknown by not feeding worry and also by fortifying a connection to your here and now experience (remember, worry is about the future).

4. Break it down, Stop, Worry time! (Sung in MC Hammer tune.) Go over your post it notes or “worry list“ during this time. If the thoughts that you wrote down are still bothering you, allow yourself to worry about them, but only for the amount of time that you’ve specified for your worry.

Thank you @gettyimages and of course @mchammer

Stages of Change

Have you ever really wanted to change something in your life, but it didn’t work out the way you planned?  Maybe eat healthily or exercise more often or getting out of a bad habit. You made some attempts to change, but in the end you weren’t successful and you felt like shit.  Yeah, we got you.

When we study behavior what we are studying is how we get to our goals. Through getting to our goals we talk about the stages of change (or a fancier term with more syllables is the trans theoretical model). 

One of the best-known approaches to change is the Stages of Change or Transtheoretical Model, introduced in the late 1970s by researchers James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente. In this model, change occurs gradually and relapses are an inevitable part of the process. People are often unwilling or resistant to change during the early stages, but they eventually develop a proactive and committed approach to changing a behavior. This model demonstrates that change is rarely easy. It often requires a gradual progression of small steps toward a goal.

Whether it’s losing weight, waking up early, eating healthy, or changing careers knowing what happens through your mind can give you the self compassion to move forward.

Let’s break it down in…..stages

The first stage is called the PRECONTEMPLATION  stage. This is the stage where you’re really not thinking about changing and it hasn’t become something either worthy of changing or that you even considered. It hasn’t been brought to your attention.   

Next stage is the (you guessed it) CONTEMPLATION stage. You’ve read an article, read a book, had a talk with the friend, had a talk with your partner, had a talk with your physician. You begin to put consider the pros and cons of making a lifestyle change.   You’re actively thinking about it, thinking about the reasons for change, and the reasons to sustain the status quo.

The next stage is PLANNING stage, and this is when you have looked at your decisional balance and thought that there are more good things about changing than not so good things about changing. So you begin to think about and plan for what steps you need to attain this goal.  This is when you research what you may need to attain these goals as well, maybe it’s a consultant, maybe it’s joining a gym, maybe it’s figuring out what aids there are for quitting smoking, maybe it’s figuring out what journal and pen you would like to purchase to start journaling.  At this stage you are emotionally and physically getting ready to make changes.   At this stage we build self efficacy and pull out our strengths that are inherent within us and visualize ourselves accomplishing goals that we have realistically contemplated the pros and cons for.  

Now stage four is the ACTION stage. Here you are determined and prepared for the change.   Here you even begin to change. Even though there may be hurdles and barriers that get in your way, you can pluck out the feelings that you’ve experience thus far and start again. Understanding these barriers and hurdles before you begin the action stage is super helpful as well so that you can play these out ahead of time so when you encounter it, as we so often do, we feel more prepared.

When you have consistently maintained this lifestyle change whether it’s exercise, journaling, smoking cessation, less drinking, perfectionism, or any sort of health behavior change, you are in the ever fifth stage called MAINTENANCE.  The emotional and physical support you receive during the maintenance stage will help lessen or prevent relapse and will keep you on the healthy trajectory.

We all have behaviors that we want or need to change. Using behavioral science to understand the change process will help you be more successful with whatever it is that you wanting to change.

Micro Habits, Big Results

What in tarnation is a micro habit?

You’ve been doing them your entire life.  

A small little thing you do consistently that creates big results. Bite bite bite instead of GULP!  

60 seconds or less.  Strung together. 

Taking a big goal and breaking it down.  Adding a little bit at a time.  

Since words matter to me, “goal setting” doesn’t feel right, but “outcome planning” feels better. 

Examples- 

• I want to meditate in the morning but I find myself scrolling through my phone- micro habit...When I put my phone outside of my room or at least outside of arms reach, I wake up in the morning and I can do my gratitude mantra, pray, or do my mindfulness meditation. The micro movement/habit of putting my phone in a different area has helped me with the outcome of my plan to meditate.

• Read more- micro habit...stating that you’re going to read one page at night. It would be really hard to justify or excuse away you not being able to read one page a night.  

• Drink more water- If you spend half of your day without having a drop of water (true story) but have had your cup(s) of coffee, micro habit....putting the glass of water in front of your coffee pot so that you are reminded that you want to drink water as your coffee brews.  

Honestly, the magic for me lies in the small feeling of success and accomplishment when you do them. Another example for me is making my bed in the morning. Not a huge task, it doesn’t take me very long at all. But it’s the feeling that seems to last and linger.  Barbie, you said you were going to do this, and you did.  Nice job, champ.  Next!

Now, don’t go wild, I would choose only five things to work on. You want to set yourself up for success. If you made a long list of micro habits, even if they’re small, it would become overwhelming and stress you out which is not what we want.

What do you want that micro habits can get you working on bit by bit?

Airplane Mode

The time we’re living in right now has recently been called The Great Pause. This is exactly the way that I’m experiencing it. The idea that we are all in a stand still feels very appropriate. We are taking control for the things that we can, and completely loosening the reins on everything else that we cannot.

Before all of this, it felt like we were on the busy, over scheduled and disconnected treadmill going at a very fast pace. It now feels like someone grabbed the emergency stop button and pulled it for us. Some of us have fallen on our face, some of us have chosen to stand on the treadmill and wait for it to turn on again while staring at the screens, some of us have chosen a different machine, and some of us have walked right out of the gym.  

Our factory settings have been restored. All of the fandangled, and complicated doesn't seem to be there. We have gone back to basics. We all know and feel that it is an unprecedented time of pullback, hunkering down and staying physically distant for our safety and for those around us.

Yet another phone metaphor- We are on airplane mode right now.  As you know when you have airplane mode enabled, it blocks your connection to cellular networks. You’re not able to do the regular things like phone calls, text messages, FaceTime, anything that requires an Internet connection.  

When we get out of this Pause that we are collectively in, and we flood our lives with what we “used to do”,  I want you to remember what it felt like to be on airplane mode. 

I want you to learn to choose to actively put yourself on airplane mode. Why? Because 1. It saves the battery life of your phone, it helps you keep your soul from dipping into reserves. 2. You aren’t as drained and you’ll recharge faster!  You won’t be playing catch-up with your energy, sleep, connection, family time, and self-care.  3. You can actively disconnect. You can bow out and actively choose to put yourself on airplane mode because you remember what it felt like to not be as distracted with all of the notifications.

I want you to think deeply about what you want to fold back into your life.  It’s reminiscent of one of those elimination diets where you take out wheat, dairy, eggs, soy, etc. and at the end of a certain amount of time you gently and gingerly re-introduce different things back into your diet to see which ones you react to and assess for tolerance.   It’s a way to see clearly what truly affects you.  What do you want to “re-introduce” and what you want to eliminate for good.  

It will be our new normal and like Phoenixes, we will emerge from the Great Pause with a much keener view of how we want to truly BE in the short stint that is our life. For me, I will continue to be patient and present. I will accept what is out of my control and live with the peace that such radical acceptance brings. You?

The 4th R

With our schools closed and not knowing exactly when they will be opening, us parents of school aged children that are on the precipice of adding World’s Okayest Homeschool Teacher to our resume this week or at some point soon.  Parents, this, while juggling your own job as you work from home, being with your partner at home as they work from home, possibly caring for your parents, and/or caring for newborns or toddlers. Things feel doubled or tripled if you are in the medical field or have been impacted directly by COVID-19.   Whew.  Take a Breath. Cut yourself some major slack.  A lot of grace, patience and kindness, is what I want you to offer yourself and your nervous system.  This is a time for holding everything in the world gingerly and gently, including yourself.   

About 1.7 million American students are homeschooled, and due to the COVID-19 outbreak, that number is about to get a lot higher, at least temporarily. It’s all going to be ok and it will all get worked out. Parents, start by making a schedule.

As we navigate and structure our school day, I realize that we have on our schedule loads of activities for academic work.  Even INcredible links to tour the world famous museums, science experiments, Mo Willems draw along, virtual farm tours,  our Houston Zoo, weather classroom from new stations, the virtual tour of the great wall of China, and the list goes on and on.  We have even put on our schedules Physical Education with activities such as kids yoga, free dance lessons, streaming dojos, and daily workouts by a PE teacher.  I am certain that your schedule will include Reading, wRiting and ‘Rithmetic.   I’d like for you add a 4th R to your daily schedule……Regulating Emotions. 

No doubt global anxiety is skyrocketing right now. If you're feeling stressed about Covid-19, know that it's possible your kids are too.

Do you ever wonder what some therapists have on their new daily homeschool schedule?  Well, what we try to have?  Yes, you with your hand up in the back…..the emotional piece.  I know, you’re like “whaaaaaa?  Another “thing” to do with my kids?  I thought you said that I should cut myself some slack?”  You totally should.  I also want to let you know that being able to diffuse emotions will keep your child from detonating, whether by ex/imploding.  Therefore, helping you.

One activity that my children are participating in (and my husband and myself too) is daily journaling. Our kids are watching us and learning about how to respond to stress and uncertainty, so engaging in journaling with them would be extra credit points for sure.

No one is to read their emotive journal without permission. In this way, journaling provides the opportunity for them to:

• Explore and identify emotions

• Feel anger

• Express fear

• Examine the pros and cons of something in order to be more decisive

• Look more carefully at her thoughts about something after the immediate situation has passed

• Gain some insight into her own and other people's motives

• See the positives as well as the negatives

• Plan out difficult conversations ahead of time

• Write out (or draw if the child cannot or has a difficult time writing)

A feelings journal is a great way to help a younger child build an emotional vocabulary. It can be done in a few ways. Your child can identify his/her current emotions, draw a picture and label it, choose a feeling from a feeling poster or wheel to write and draw about or learn a new emotion to draw and write about. I’ve included an emotions wheel that I, like Goldilocks, love to find baby bear’s juuuust the right word for what I am feeling.

Another activity the Atkinson household is adopting is to remember that the power of laughter can be healing. Locate a funny video to watch or share memories you and your family have experienced together. I’m having the girls share a funny video or story or joke with us everyday as part of “school”.  

I have asked trusted local friends and colleagues (I’m about to name drop)  what activity they would encourage for emotions class.

“Writing letters or note cards to loved ones letting them know how much they mean to you and how much you care about them.” Cheryl Butler, MA, LPC, Owner of True North Counseling Services in The Woodlands

“Play. For children under the age of 9, play is thought to be their natural language. Our children need space to process their emotions through play. Get down on the floor with them; don’t direct the play- allow them to control their play. Try to reflect what they are doing and feeling in order to help them feel understood and connected. Sometimes their play might be sad; don’t try to cheer this up. Instead just reflect what they are feeling. This is the best way for a child to express their emotions and make sense of their world.   It’s okay to have more than one emotion at a time; you can be scared, anxious, and grateful for these moments.” Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC-S- Owner of Heights Family Counseling

“Maybe most importantly get curious with them about how they are feeling right now. Validate whatever feelings they express without trying to fix it or minimize it. As so beautifully expressed in one of my favorite children’s books: TheRabbit Listened. https://www.amazon.com/Rabbit-Listened-Cori-Doerrfeld/dp/073522935X Just listen and old space for their feelings. PS- this is somuch easier said than done but our kids need to feel heard, especially during these hard times.” Brittani L. Persha, LCSW-S, RPT-S, EMDR-Trained (Licensed Clinical Social Worker-Supervisor, Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor, EMDR-Trained)

“I think the best support is helping our kids to feel safe, is that we as parents have it under control and are protecting them. Reminding our kids that sometimes there are things we just don’t understand, but this is a shared experience and we will get through it together as a family.” Jessica Eiseman MS, LPC-S, NCC, CCTP, owner and clinical director for Ajana Therapy & Clinical Services

I don’t know about y’all, but I am wanting an apple on my desk (or apple streudel and a coffee really) and I can’t wait for summer vacation. Wait………

Social Maximizing

The prospect of spending an indefinite period of time away from other humans can be quite daunting — especially if you live alone, are unable to visit loved ones, or are already experiencing loneliness.  Or maybe you are a new parent, or a not-so-new parent, or a person who loves the chit chat at the office, or an extrovert.  Really any of us. Remember that infamous longitudinal (repeated observation of the same variables over a long period of time) Harvard Study on happiness?  It found a strong association between happiness and close relationships like spouses, family, friends, and social circles.

The term social distancing Is something I want us to move away from.  I think that we should be “physically“ distant and socially maximizing. Connection is what we seek at all ages. This may sound like common sense, but it's important to be proactive about it. Maybe you are already doing this? If voice notes or texts aren't cutting it, and you need a bit more of a back and forth, then call up someone you love and have a long chat.  Ideas for this could be a simple as an online play date with two friends where they can just talk and show each other their favorite stuffed animal, tw/eens, can use a format where they can interactively play a board game with each other or sit and listen to music together, and adults can meet up for happy hour with their closest friends and/or family, host a trivia night, or a themed party, or have a jam session with friends who play instruments, etc.  I haven't done this yet, but someone mentioned a Netflix play where a group of folks can watch a movie together and interact throughout.

Not a fan of the group thing on a good day will phone calls and video chatting are also well suited to promoting connection.  Now that our social calendars are sparse, make plans with friends, colleagues, family members!   One cubicle away, one mile away, or 1,000 miles away doesn't come into play when you visit online.

So go forth (or rather, stay in) and socialize, but also consider using your newfound time at home to do things you enjoy, but can’t usually squeeze into your day.

In the comments, please tell us what you are doing to stay connected!

Should Happens

As a clinician, just like parents, or teachers, we have things we typically see and work with on the daily.  We might even have a saying or two (or twenty) that we use.  About two years ago, I thought I was being clever by saying this AND creating the freaking graphic…..

and it wasn’t until a colleague said something to the effect of “Isn’t Albert Ellis great”?  I said, yes, he is.  Then I realized that he coined this term!  I should’ve known (juuuust kidding) . Read about his genius here, Albert Ellis.

I had worked with so many people that felt this way that I was convinced I’d come up with this funny and useful phrase.

Our thoughts and what we tell ourselves have profound effects on the lens in which we live our lives.  In order to better our lives, we must become aware of our false negative thoughts, assess them, and then take action by replacing them with positive thoughts.

Some people have told me that they motivate themselves by saying,  “I should be doing this or that”, or, I shouldn’t be doing this or that.“ I believe that it actually gives your power away. You are very capable of making choices for yourself regardless of what you should or shouldn’t do. Also, you are the boss of your life and you decide what you do.  

Don’t think you Should on yourself?

The first clue that you may have a “should” statement on your hands is that you are feeling bad. At times when you begin to feel sad, anxious, depressed or worried, take a moment to see if there are some “should” statements floating around.

I ask folks to look for the words: supposed to, must, never, should, need to, can’t, shouldn’t, and have to.

"I shouldn't have said that." "I shouldn't have done that." "I shouldn't have eaten that." These are common phrases I hear from clients in my counseling practice. So many people are so hard on themselves so much of the time, believing that self-criticism will help them attain their goals.  As my teenager’s tee shirt says, “nope.”

When someone lives with the operating system of "shoulding", self-criticism, and perfectionism, what usually ends up happening is that they are either very anxious about getting things done and getting them done perfectly (ugh, a fruitless endeavor!) or they end up burning out or rebelling and are unable to get things done at all.

For example, if you thought about the statement “I should be more successful”, but not you saying it, but, your best friend, chances are that you would jump in and note their successes and all the ways that they are moving forward in their life. Go ahead and identify the desire for something different leave out the harsh criticism.  Stop throwing yourself under the bus.   You might help them change that statement to, “I want a promotion” or “I would like a new job that pays more.” Changing the statement (spinning it) shows you what to go after and allows room for change instead of creating the desire to avoid, hide,  and procrastinate.

Inappropriate "should, ought or must" statements are a surefire pathway to guilt. These irrational statements imply you are expected to be perfect, all knowing and all powerful which of course, you are not.   Shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted.  I am lazy, I am no good, I am a bad daughter, I am not good enough. 

 Thanks, Shame *rolling eyes*.   Fuck you, Shoulds.

Once you become aware of the shoulds and oughts and musts you use on yourself, and once you realize they are merely preferences, it takes away the intensity of your negative feelings and you are left with mild disappointment, simple frustration, or concern — rather than anxiety, sadness, anger, or fear.

Because so much of our behavior is driven by "should," we are losing our ability to distinguish what we really "want." We have been taught what we "should" want, but not what we actually want, and often confuse the two. Out of touch with our own "wanting," we have lost a sense of connection with ourselves. We know who we are supposed to be, but not who we ARE.

Even if your behaviors stay the same, simply changing your word choice as a “want” is meaningful, and will help you know your true motivations and intentions and thus—know yourself. 

Don’t know how to start?

Try this…

1.       Catch yourself saying the should or their likeness.

2.       Ask yourself “Who says”?

3.       Ask “How do I feel after I should myself?”

4.       Spin/reframe and substitute Don’t say “I should be…”, try “ I want…”, “I choose...”, I decided not to…”

5.       Keep a record and check in to see how you are feeling.

 

Comment on your experience of this blog post in the comments below, and I invite you to visit us and learn more about your own Shoulding or if you are being Shoulded on.  <——this really never gets old. Thanks, Albert.

Wringing Out Your Sponge

I typically don’t write anything personal on here, but today we have a guest post.  My Endorphins are the author of this post. This dialogue (or rather monologue, maybe even soliloquy) occurs each and every time before my spinning class.

Before Class- is that my alarm I hear?  for the class? Why did I do that yesterday? Let me snooze and get those extra seven minutes in. *7 minutes pass*  Is that the damn alarm for the spin class? I don’t really want to go, I’m a really busy person and I need to replenish by sleeping in and hanging out with my family.  I’m gonna make everybody a big breakfast. Yeah, a nice big country style breakfast.  Yum.  Well, I don’t have bacon, and I ran out of pancake mix and I think there might be three eggs left in the refrigerator. Fine, I’ll go to spin class.

During Class- it’s really early.  I never get these shoes into the clips properly. I think this is part of the work out. The lights are on and there is my peppy and highly energetic spin teacher (she probably does *not* have children) bouncing onto her bike. I bet she’s going to brunch sometime today with friends like I used to. Oh, Barbie, remember Sunday Funday. Oh the debauchery and degenerates, how fun. Ok ok ok, here we go, music is starting. Hmm, this song.  I like this song. I love watching my form in the mirror. Left right left right.  Oh yeah, I have got this pulse and tension thing down. Yes, Snoop Dogg! ....drop it like it’s hot.... Wait, that’s what I’ve been trying to figure out all week. Every drip of sweat feels like a solution to a conundrum during the day or week.. How come the clouds just parted and I see clearly now. Ohmygosh, *That’s* what my therapist meant by that...how is this unfolding right between my sweaty eyes. I hate my husband. YESSSS, NIN. Trent Reznor you are a genius. My God, I’m so in love with my husband. Yes Lizzo, I am 100% that bitch. Woo hoo! Oh, this is the last song.  Stretch stretch streeeeeeeeeetch.

After Class- Smiling at class mates as we wipe our bikes and leave the room.  I’m a goddess. I told my body what to do today and it did it for me like a boss. I’m so grateful for my body and the things I can do. I cannot wait to use this body to organize stuff in my house. I think I’m going to go rollerskating with the girls today. And I’m gonna pull out that jump rope and teach them how to double Dutch. I want to be good to my body, I need a green juice. I’m reserving a spot for tomorrow’s class too!!

 Rinse. Lather. Repeat to every spinning class.

 

If you are a client of mine or daughter or husband or friend, I say things like “you need to wring your sponge out”. We have a certain capacity for things and at some point you become saturated, and you can’t clean anything. You’re just spreading salmonella on the kitchen counter. What exercise does other than wring our sponges out is improve our mood. Physical activity produces endorphins- chemicals in the brain that act as natural painkillers. I’ve always thought it was awesome that we have a “pharmacy” that we can always access in our brain. It also boosts energy. Exercise delivers oxygen and nutrients to your tissues and helps your heart and cardiovascular system work more efficiently.

What does it mean “endorphins are released”? If you start exercising, your brain recognizes this as a moment of stress. Your heart pressure increases, fighting the enemy or fleeing from it. To protect yourself and your brain from stress release of protein called BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor). This BDNF has a protective and also a reparative element to your memory neurons and act as a reset switch. That’s why we often feel so at ease and things are clear after exercising and eventually happy. At the same time endorphins, another chemical to fight stress, is released in your brain. These tend to minimize the discomfort of exercise, block the feeling of pain and are associated with a feeling of euphoria.

There are plenty of ways in which you can access this “pharmacy” with movement that don’t cost any money and doesn’t require any fancy equipment or memberships. Dance party at home, yard work, walk/jog/run, play at the playground (like, really play play), volunteer to walk dogs at a rescue, have a tickle war with your kid (laughing is a pharmacy bonus if you are into extra credit), go up an down your stairs blaring your favorite music, do those hard chores and work up a sweat, etc.

These are all ways that you can dispel the stressors that your sponge has soaked up all day or week. Movement is Magic.

 

Worry On the Go: How to Help your Kid Handle Travel Anxiety- Go to the Car Wash?

With busy schedules often comes something that, for some kids and parents, can heighten anxiety: travel. With children, we see a lot of pre-travel anxiety, also known as anticipatory anxiety. Symptoms may include a sleepless night before a trip, loads of questions (many that are repeated), an upset stomach, or feelings of dread. To put it more bluntly, you’re child may freak out a little before you fly. But don’t panic. Whether it’s by plane, train, or automobile, travel can be quite triggering and scary for many kids, even if they’ve traveled before or traveled without anxiety in the past. I’ve had several parents reach out to me about how to support their kids on upcoming trips, and as I gathered information to help them, I started to realize one thing: they aren’t alone! This experience of travel anxiety in the family and in our kids is by no means an isolated or rare occurrence.

How can we soothe the child who’s struggling with the intense fear that the plane will crash?

Someone will break in to the hotel room and hurt them?

The amusement park will be too loud or crowded?

These my seem like “silly” or “irrational” examples, but that’s anxiety’s favorite tune to play: the “Your Worst Fears Will Come True” song. With that in mind, how can we help our kids who struggle with crippling fears and worries about traveling?

5 things you can do to help your anxious traveler

1. Most importantly, take a deep (diaphragmatic) breath and realize you know more than you think you do. You can trust yourself. If you are grounded and confident in your ability to be present and help, your kids will sense that and begin to “borrow” some of your grounded-ness and confidence to face their fears and begin trusting themselves that they too know how to handle anxiety. We learn this in our child therapy group called Calm Crusaders.

2. I recommend starting with validation. Validation is just a fancy word for taking the time to tell another person "I hear you." Simply validating that your child has questions about travelng can help them begin to integrate their emotions and feel more empowered. For example, try something like, "Your brain is very curious about what the plane will look and sound like, and how many people will be there. It's normal to have questions about things we've never done before. How can I help?

3. If your child is the type of kid whose anxiety is soothed by answering questions or getting a feel for the unknown, you can try to help them understand the noises and sounds of the car, train, boat, or plane you’ll be traveling on. A carwash is actually a great simulation of some of the noises a plane makes when it’s starting its engines. So, you could use going through the carwash as an example of what being on the plane would sound like (for kids who have never flown before). Or, for kids who have flown before but still feel anxious about flying, you can take them through the carwash and practice making the sounds with your voice / mouth, deep breathing, and naming the fears of being on the plane. Kids tend to learn best through experiences, not just instructions, so doing this “practice run” for calming the body during a feared situation will help them be able to do the same deep breathing when they’re actually on the plane.

4. You could make a little game out of flying. For example, if the flight is 3 hours long, you could have a little activity that you do each hour, or a little treasure to collect at the start of each hour. Or a scavenger hunt (i.e., find something blue, find something round, find someone asleep, find someone younger than 10, etc).

5. Have a plan for the anxiety. Fingers crossed everything is smooth sailing (or flying, or driving!) but also have a plan of things you can do if your child is really struggling and panicking in the moment. One idea is having something to soothe the 5 senses on hand (sight, touch, hearing, smell, and taste). Some people bring (or ask the transportation staff for) ice packs to place on their child’s foreheads, other children like holding a very sour candy in their mouth (like lemon heads) which will help your child turn down the volume of their anxious thoughts as they focus on the strong taste of the candy. Other kids simply need a drink of water and to wrap up in a favorite blanket or hold a favorite stuffed animal. Others prefer music to listen to when their anxiety is getting really loud. This is where trusting your instincts can be so helpful! You know your kids best, and can help them create their own “tool kits” for traveling.

I hope all of these ideas provide some guidance and support, and if you'd like to hear from other parents about what they've done, I welcome you to join the conversation in our Calm Crusaders Facebook group. You can also contact one of our Houston child therapists to help you with all of this.

Written by Rachel Bailey,

and edited by Barbie Atkinson.

How to Talk to Your Kids about Therapy

You’ve done your research, talked to friends, asked the school, looked at websites, talked about schedules and payment and now you’re left with the last step- telling your kid that they’ll be going to therapy.

I get asked how “do I present therapy to my kid?” or “how do I let them know they will going?” a lot.

The idea of child therapy is much more complicated and anxiety-producing for you (the parent) than for the kids, I find.  Most of the children we see are relieved and happy to be with us, and don’t have any trouble understanding our role or the nature of our work together.   I understand though, you really want it to be easy and accepted up front.

You might try saying, “Honey, I know you’ve been feeling jumpy, or biting your nails, or feeling like you can't be alone."  Or: “Daddy and I have noticed that you’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.”  You can empathize with them and say  “Nightmares can be really scary. No one likes to be scared.”  Once you’ve identified the problem and offered compassion , tell your child you’ve spoken to someone that can help. You might say something like: “Sometimes when children like you feel scared, it helps to go to someone whose job it is to help kids understand their feelings and worries by playing and talking about them. I met a lady named Ms. Katy, and she’s really nice. She likes children, and she has helped a lot of kids like you. We think if you met with her it might help you to understand better why you’ve been having those nightmares. She might be able to help us, too, understand how to help not be so scared.

If by chance you hit a resistant snag with your child you can tell her a therapist is like a feelings expert or an expert at growing up. I use expert instead of doctor due to the feelings that may be associated with seeing a doctor in the past. Hello, shots.

Kids know what it’s like to experience distress. Tell your child that a therapist will help them talk about times when they feel sad, mad, bad, proud, or strong.  My favorite is to present therapy as a new adventure. Any activity is more successful if kids are on board and enthusiastic. Tell your child how excited you are for their new adventure, and how lucky they are that they get to go talk/play/discuss with a special person every week. 

Now, kids who come to see us don’t always want to talk to us. That’s totally fine. Being guarded with a new person — particularly a new person who’s been enlisted to help with “stuff” — is appropriate.  Counseling is meant to help everybody, which means helping the child be her best self and helping the parent be his best parenting self, too. 

Sharing the responsibility and walking alongside your child, can help him or her feel less embarrassed or ashamed at having a “problem.” When you role model that it is a brave act to ask for help you are setting a good example and demonstrating resourcefulness.

For kids who think it will be like school, let them know that a therapy hour is not an hour of talking at them. It's an hour of interacting with them in a way that helps the child understand himself or herself and to better communicate with their family.

In therapy, kids learn by doing. With younger kids, this means working with the whole family, drawing, playing, and talking. For older kids and teens, therapists share activities and ideas that focus on learning the skills they need. They talk through feelings and solve problems. If you are in the Houston area, we have child therapy, and two groups for children. One is called Calm Crusaders and the other is called Teen Calm in which we explore, identify, and accept our feelings ans use them as hints.

In the meantime, I believe you are a parent who cares for your child (if not you would not have gone looking guidance) and I trust you will come up with the right verbiage for your kid.

Let us know how we can help you and your Houston family in our Houston Heights office. Feel free to contact us.