Should Happens

As a clinician, just like parents, or teachers, we have things we typically see and work with on the daily.  We might even have a saying or two (or twenty) that we use.  About two years ago, I thought I was being clever by saying this AND creating the freaking graphic…..

and it wasn’t until a colleague said something to the effect of “Isn’t Albert Ellis great”?  I said, yes, he is.  Then I realized that he coined this term!  I should’ve known (juuuust kidding) . Read about his genius here, Albert Ellis.

I had worked with so many people that felt this way that I was convinced I’d come up with this funny and useful phrase.

Our thoughts and what we tell ourselves have profound effects on the lens in which we live our lives.  In order to better our lives, we must become aware of our false negative thoughts, assess them, and then take action by replacing them with positive thoughts.

Some people have told me that they motivate themselves by saying,  “I should be doing this or that”, or, I shouldn’t be doing this or that.“ I believe that it actually gives your power away. You are very capable of making choices for yourself regardless of what you should or shouldn’t do. Also, you are the boss of your life and you decide what you do.  

Don’t think you Should on yourself?

The first clue that you may have a “should” statement on your hands is that you are feeling bad. At times when you begin to feel sad, anxious, depressed or worried, take a moment to see if there are some “should” statements floating around.

I ask folks to look for the words: supposed to, must, never, should, need to, can’t, shouldn’t, and have to.

"I shouldn't have said that." "I shouldn't have done that." "I shouldn't have eaten that." These are common phrases I hear from clients in my counseling practice. So many people are so hard on themselves so much of the time, believing that self-criticism will help them attain their goals.  As my teenager’s tee shirt says, “nope.”

When someone lives with the operating system of "shoulding", self-criticism, and perfectionism, what usually ends up happening is that they are either very anxious about getting things done and getting them done perfectly (ugh, a fruitless endeavor!) or they end up burning out or rebelling and are unable to get things done at all.

For example, if you thought about the statement “I should be more successful”, but not you saying it, but, your best friend, chances are that you would jump in and note their successes and all the ways that they are moving forward in their life. Go ahead and identify the desire for something different leave out the harsh criticism.  Stop throwing yourself under the bus.   You might help them change that statement to, “I want a promotion” or “I would like a new job that pays more.” Changing the statement (spinning it) shows you what to go after and allows room for change instead of creating the desire to avoid, hide,  and procrastinate.

Inappropriate "should, ought or must" statements are a surefire pathway to guilt. These irrational statements imply you are expected to be perfect, all knowing and all powerful which of course, you are not.   Shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted.  I am lazy, I am no good, I am a bad daughter, I am not good enough. 

 Thanks, Shame *rolling eyes*.   Fuck you, Shoulds.

Once you become aware of the shoulds and oughts and musts you use on yourself, and once you realize they are merely preferences, it takes away the intensity of your negative feelings and you are left with mild disappointment, simple frustration, or concern — rather than anxiety, sadness, anger, or fear.

Because so much of our behavior is driven by "should," we are losing our ability to distinguish what we really "want." We have been taught what we "should" want, but not what we actually want, and often confuse the two. Out of touch with our own "wanting," we have lost a sense of connection with ourselves. We know who we are supposed to be, but not who we ARE.

Even if your behaviors stay the same, simply changing your word choice as a “want” is meaningful, and will help you know your true motivations and intentions and thus—know yourself. 

Don’t know how to start?

Try this…

1.       Catch yourself saying the should or their likeness.

2.       Ask yourself “Who says”?

3.       Ask “How do I feel after I should myself?”

4.       Spin/reframe and substitute Don’t say “I should be…”, try “ I want…”, “I choose...”, I decided not to…”

5.       Keep a record and check in to see how you are feeling.

 

Comment on your experience of this blog post in the comments below, and I invite you to visit us and learn more about your own Shoulding or if you are being Shoulded on.  <——this really never gets old. Thanks, Albert.