The A WORD
When the word “anger” comes to mind, plenty of us immediately label the emotion word with a negative connotation. Why is this?
Is it because of the media and how they portray what anger can look like?
Is it scary to us due to our own trauma?
Is it a feeling that some of us constantly experience but have been taught to repress?
Maybe all of the above? There are many reasons that can lead us to believe that anger is innately “bad” and that we should experience guilt and/or shame when feeling it. Nobody wants to live in constant anger due to how mentally and physically draining it can be, even for those of us who prefer anger over sadness.
When we are experiencing anger, we are in a state of fight or flight. This can be confusing to us. This is the reason why we tend to think in an absolute manner when experiencing an episode of anger. When in fight or flight, our only goal is to survive. These episodes lead us to lose IQ points, which is the reason why so many of us seem to forget about the consequences to our actions when upset. This means we say that rude comment to our partner that we wouldn’t have otherwise mentioned, or flip off the person who just brake-checked us, and engage in other acts that we could possibly end up regretting at a later time. Anger gets a bad reputation due to a vast amount of reasons and not a lot of us discuss anger in terms of payoffs and costs.
How does anger serve us in the moment? How does anger get in our own way? What we do know is that when we feel anger, it is for a reason. Sometimes, figuring out what that reason is requires further exploration on our part.
There is such a thing as anger payoffs or innate (sometimes unconscious) reasons that we display anger in place of any other emotion.
Anger has the power to reduce stress temporarily. 1. We feel a sense of relief after an anger outburst. The expression of anger can be quite reinforcing; you are temporarily getting a sense of relief or a break from the discomfort you were feeling prior to that expression of anger. 2. Anger also hides emotional pain and can become a shadow for another primary emotion. It can put a lid on painful emotion and can sometimes even continue to repress most of those feelings out of our own awareness. 3. Anger grabs other’s attention. For some experiencing anger, it may feel that nobody listens unless we are yelling or are in the midst of an outburst. 4. It can be a powerful tool that is used for revenge or punishment when we have been hurt. This feeling of righteousness can be very attractive. It can sometimes become our only goal leading us to forget about the consequences that revenge or an act made from anger can have when it comes to our relationships.
Anger’s influence gets in the way of our lives and can have some serious detriments. Anger can affect our relationships with the important and even not-so-important people in our lives. It has the influence to affect relationships with family members, our kids, our partners, work relationships, our friendships, and even complete strangers. When acting in anger consistently, our mental and physical health will be affected. Whether this is through hypertension, cardiovascular disease, acting in a violent way, or putting ourselves in danger due to anger (such as incidents of road rage). Anger has the capacity to be dangerous and to have life-long consequences if not being expressed in a balanced manner. It is critical to find healthy alternatives to express our anger.
Good news!!! There are plenty of outlets to do so! Therapy can be a great outlet to get to know our anger, physical activity can trick our mind and body to use that aggressive energy in more socially expected ways, and engaging in relaxation and distraction techniques have proven to build healthier habits that improve your overall well-being (not just in a moment of anger).
It is crucial to remember that anger is a natural emotion to experience. Some people deal with it more often than others, some have paid more attention to it, and some of us are still currently struggling with what to do when it shows up.
Wherever you are with your anger, you deserve to get to know it. If you are searching for extra support with a team who views anger as normal and has the experience to provide you with new mental tools, feel free to reach out to us. We are here for it!
-Love, Kat