Is Friendship Drama Causing Conflict And Discomfort In Your Life?

What starts with unreturned text messages or a last-minute change in plans can quickly spiral into ongoing tension and conflict with your bestie. After one too many hints, you may be starting to get the sense that things aren’t the way they used to be between you two… 

You may be discouraged that you and your friend are growing apart or that you’re the only one who makes an effort in the relationship. Or maybe you’re concerned that their change in behavior is due to worrisome decisions, like dating the wrong partner, engaging in substance abuse or self-harm, or lying. 

Maybe your paths have split off, leaving you concerned that they won’t merge again. Perhaps you don’t agree with their choices or political beliefs, which has caused an underlying, unspoken tension in the relationship that makes it uncomfortable to be around one another. 

On the other hand, it could be that a major life transition has significantly impacted your connection. Whether they moved away, became preoccupied with their romantic relationship, or had a baby, you may feel like you’re playing second fiddle in your friend’s life. It could be that you’re the only one who carves out time for the relationship anymore, causing you to feel insecure, anxious, and undervalued. 

Not wanting to overstep or come off as demanding, however, you may be unsure of how to establish boundaries in the relationship or voice your concerns without escalating conflict. 

Friendships Aren’t The Only Platonic Relationships That Experience Strain

Many relationships beyond friends and family impact your daily life. Perhaps there are coworkers or peers with whom you have chronic conflict or tension. Through work or other circumstances, you might be in close contact with someone that just doesn’t get you. As a result, you feel as though you can’t effectively collaborate or accomplish tasks the way you’d like. 

Romantic and familial bonds are not the only relationships that need tending. In friendship therapy at Catalyst Counseling, you can come together with a friend, coworker, or peer in your life to create a newfound sense of harmony and understanding. 

Friendships Enrich Our Lives And Give Us Purpose

As humans, we are relational beings, meaning that we are naturally wired for connection. The bond with a close friend is among the most important in our lives, as friendship adds tremendous value to our experience as individuals. The care and love that our friends provide can change our lives for the better. 

Yet, just like any other relationship we maintain, friendships ebb and flow, requiring maintenance and intentionality. And unlike romantic or familial relationships, the idea of friendship counseling is not yet normalized. Many of us are willing to attend therapy with our partners or family members—why not devote the same time and energy to our best friends and other close relationships?

Sure, there are plenty of resources centered around making and maintaining friendships, but these often paint platonic relationship conflicts in an overly simplistic light. Not to mention, there can be a lot of shame when it comes to challenges in our platonic relationships, as we tend to downplay or disregard the deep-seated emotional impact that a breakup of a friendship can have on our lives. 

“Frientimacy” Is A Burgeoning Concept

More and more research is being done about the role of friends, coworkers, peers, and other platonic relationships in our mental health. In fact, friendship expert Shasta Nelson has made a living out of it. Having coined the term “frientimacy,” Nelson created a triangle that diagrams the three components of healthy, successful friendship: vulnerability, consistency, and positivity. When any of these elements is missing, our friendships can feel jeopardized and imbalanced. 

Using this framework alongside scientifically verified therapeutic methods, a friendship therapist can help you communicate and resolve issues with the important people in your life. 

Catalyst Counseling Provides Friendship And Relationship Therapy

Friendship therapy remains a relatively new concept in mental health counseling. So, it may be hard to find counselors who specialize in these particular relationships. However, the therapists at Catalyst Counseling understand the value and impact your friendships have in your life and are committed to ongoing training in friendship therapy. 

Our clinicians specialize in family systems and marriage and family counseling, which is particularly useful for conflict resolution in relationships. Because this background allows us to see beyond the individual and into our clients’ relational aspects, we can offer tailored skill sets for communication, boundary-setting, and empathetic listening.

How To Approach A Friend About Attending Therapy Together

For those who aren’t familiar or fully comfortable with the idea of friendship therapy, we encourage you to approach your friend with our trusty “sandwich” model. 

Beginning with the top layer of “bread,” you can start by explaining how much you care about your friend and all the ways that they have enriched your life. Moving onto the “meat” portion of your discussion, you can discuss what you’ve been feeling and your primary concerns about the relationship. It’s important to do this without placing blame or presenting ultimatums, using “I” statements to reflect your emotional response to your friend’s actions and behaviors. The bottom layer of “bread” is then added, which indicates that you’re invested in finding a solution and starting the conversation of whether the relationship could benefit from friendship therapy. 

Once you and your friend, coworker, or peer have made it to counseling, your Catalyst clinician will work to understand your relationship as well as your individual needs. Drawing from Shasta Nelson’s “frientimacy” model and traditional forms of relationship counseling, your therapist will provide information about the friendship triangle and help you understand how to achieve more balance and mutual support. Armed with this knowledge, you can repair and maintain the connections you want to keep—and learn how to properly sever the ones you don’t. 

Oftentimes, friendships nourish us in ways that our other bonds can’t. By investing in your relationships through counseling, you can revive and manage the sacred intimacy that makes your friendships meaningful and life-affirming. 

Maybe You’re Curious About Friendship Counseling, But You Still Have Questions….

Do all therapists offer friendship counseling?

Because friendship therapy is not as common as marriage or family counseling, it’s important to work with someone who has experience in this field. As mentioned, therapists specifically trained in systems—which is just a fancy word for relationships—will be particularly effective here. And it’s always a good idea to contact a therapist before making an appointment to ensure that they have experience working with friends, coworkers, and peers. 

Fortunately, our therapists at Catalyst Counseling are uniquely trained in friendship and relationship therapy. 

Does insurance cover friendship therapy?

Chances are that your insurance will not cover the cost of friendship therapy, which means that you’ll have to pay out-of-pocket for sessions. Therefore, it’s important to establish your payment plan ahead of time. Perhaps you and your friend will split the cost of sessions or alternate which weeks you pay, but make sure you’re both on the same page about financial expectations before participating in friendship therapy. 

In addition, if you are business partners or associates that are also friends, you may be able to write your sessions off as a business expense for tax purposes. Some of our friendship therapy clients at Catalyst Counseling have done this.

Where can I find out more about friendship therapy?

We are so pleased to be a practice that specializes in counseling for friendships, which has gotten us some media attention for this niche. In 2021, we were fortunate to collaborate with NPR’s Invisibilia series, which featured an episode about friendship therapy with Esther Perel. You can find the episode here.

In addition, we encourage you to check out the work of Shasta Nelson, who authored Frientimacy: How To Deepen Friendships For Lifelong Health And Relationships (2016), Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide To Creating A Meaningful Circle Of Girlfriends (2013), and The Business Of Friendship: Making The Most Of Our Relationships Where We Spend The Most Of Our Time (2020). 

You Can Deepen Intimacy And Connection With Your Friends 

If you have a friendship in need of resolution and repair, therapy at Catalyst Counseling can help. To find out more or to schedule a free, 15-minute consultation with our friendship therapists, please contact us below.